Whoever made up the Master Cleanse diet had the last laugh

So I’m not the same woman that I was last year on my 8th wedding anniversary.

In fact, I’m a woman and a half bigger than what the Hell I was last wedding anniversary. I’m fat as fuck, and hot. So I have to do something about this weight.

But what I won’t do is the Master Cleanse Diet. Nope. You can have that shit.

If you don’t know about it, it’s a gallon of distilled water, mixed with fresh lemons, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and probably Beyonce’s toenail clippings, and unicorn tears. But to me, it sounds like BS.

First of all, who in the Hell made that shit up? Seriously? Who said that it was okay to throw some damn lemons, cayenne pepper, syrup, and water in a Kool-Aid pitcher and drink it if you want to lose weight?

Who. Said. It? Because they’re an evil fucking genius, and I really don’t like them that much for thinking of it first (yeah, I’m hating). But I also don’t like them because it sounds like some garbage mixed in a pitcher. So I feel conflicted in my soul, because I want to hate on them, but I can’t because their plan to come up with any old stanking diet to get that one lady to shut the hell up about not being able to lose weight worked.

Can you picture some poor woman who just wanted to lose a few pounds, and was desperate? Why would you take advantage of that lady, Master Cleanse maker? That’s foul! You didn’t even take her poor little desperation into account. You just made some shit up.

Maybe she was having thyroid issues (like myself), and was struggling to lose an inch. Maybe she just wanted to chop some weight so she didn’t have to hear her mother-in-law’s damn mouth about how a woman was “supposed” to look. Maybe she just wanted to look sexy for bae. Who knows, but the concept of starvation, and whatever is in that Kool-Aid pitcher pisses me off.

What’s so funny is that I really don’t know what pisses me off more – the fact that the damn diet has been around for ages, or the fact that people are making money off of that shit over the Internet?

And most of the people that do the damn diet say that they hate the way it tastes. Well why in the fawk are you doing this God awful event? Then these same people get hangry (hungry + angry), like it’s your fault they willingly chose to starve.

So yeah, I’m fat, and I’m doing something about it. But it won’t be the Master Cleanse.

Master Cleanse Maker, you knew what the hell you were doing when you made this diet up. And now you’re at home laughing at bitches dumb enough to try it, because you’re an evil genius who enjoys the tears of the weak minded. Good move.

But I’m still not doing that crap. Most doctors (who don’t make money off of it) say it’s bullshit. I’m gonna go with that.

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