I love my 7-year-old with my heart and soul, but the Lord truly knows that he is a complete mess. Although it’s norml for kids that age to be messy, it’s not always fun for me or his dad.
After a long summer of answering his numerous, hard questions about race, where babies come from, why it is okay for dudes to wear dresses, why ladies pulling their tits out to breastfeed in public isn’t gross, and why black ladies have “fluffy hair,” his dad, grandmother, and I realized that his intellect has blossomed. As beautiful as it is, it’s also hard to break these subjects down into ingestible bits for a little kid. We could barely get through a conversation without a glass of Merlot when answering these questions for him. And if we feel that way, then his second grade teacher will most certainly feel the same.
That’s why we’re giving his teacher a bottle of liquor when he gets back to school.
Judge us if you want to, but we know that whoever his teacher is, he or she would have earned their shot of liquor when dealing with our kid. In fact, we have convinced our friends to do the same. Here are 5 reasons why you should do the same.
1. Our kid is not the only bad one in that classroom.
I swear my son’s last teacher made the same face in the above meme every single day I visited her in the classroom. I soon realized why she was making that face – she had to call the police on a few of her first graders with behavioral problems.
It was so bad that she had to skip important lessons because she had to deal with the few bad kids in her class. It was heartbreaking, and that woman deserved liquor for a reward, because she did her job fantastically.
2. Have you ever seen a group of elementary school kids line up? It’s awful.
Could you imagine a group of kids asking you if they could go pee every time it’s time to line up, especially when those same kids had 20 opportunities to pee before they got in line?
Hate to break it to you, but your kid may be the main culprit of such behavior. I’m just saying that it doesn’t hurt to get your kid’s teacher a drink in this instance.
3. No matter how many times you remind them, your kid will still more than likely forget to write their name on their assignments.
4. Because every adult needs a drink when a kid pukes on them.
5. You want to make sure your kid isn’t the reason why their teacher gave up their careers to sell meth.
It’s hard out here for everyone. But when you have 15 + kids acting a monkey at the same time, while parents and upper echelon administrators simultaneously point fingers at the teacher for what they’re not doing, it’s enough to drive a teacher mad enough to give it all up for a risky, yet lucrative career as a meth dealer.
So to keep your conscience clear in knowing that you tried to help your kid’s teacher as much as you could, buy them a bottle of liquor. It may save them from doing the unthinkable.