Why Voting In The 2016 Presidential Election Feels Like A Gyno Exam

The 2016 presidential election is beyond frustrating. It’s so frustrating that I have to tune it out for my own sanity. Between the scandals, the dirty politics, and the lies, I feel burned out.

It’s the same feeling I get during the process of booking an OB/GYN appointment, and actually going.

Much like the presidential candidates, all of my gynos (with the exception of maybe one) probably shouldn’t have been gynos. They were either terrible with conversation, were too rough with the “cervix checks” (that feels an awful lot like pussy grabbing), or will inconvenience you in some capacity.

Also just like my gyno, this year’s presidential candidates serve as visual reminders that just because someone could handle an important job doesn’t mean that they should.

In other words, neither Donald nor Hillary are suited to be POTUS, in my opinion. Lord knows I’ve had several gynos I thought that way about. But hey, I have to have my cha cha examined, because health and shit. Just like either Donald or Hillary WILL be elected, because democracy and shit.

Here’s my rationale.

1. Much like my gyno, Clinton will fuck you over if you inconvenience her

I booked my appointment right after breakfast. Apparently that’s a terrible time to book an appointment with the VA gyno doc, because she and her nurse were both irritated by my phone call for an appointment request.

Her nurse: “Whatchu need an appointment for?”

Me: “Because I missed the last one.”

Gyno (in the background): “I’m only free on (x date) this month.”

Nurse: “Oh. Well come get seen on (x date). And you better come on time.” *click*

So because I inconvenienced my gyno and her rude ass nurse  by calling them while they were probably getting ready to examine their next McMuffin, they inconvenienced me with bad service, and hung up the phone before another word could be uttered. They just left me frustrated.

It’s the same feeling I get when I think about how Hillary lauded the 3 Strikes Law back in the day, without thinking of the inconvenience racial profiling, police misconduct, and mass incarceration would cause the people the law impacted.

President Bill Clinton was POTUS during the 90s when the crack epidemic was still a thing, and I saw a lot of crack growing up in both the Glenville area of Cleveland, and in South Los Angeles. What I saw were people who needed rehabilitation, better school funding, and help from community leaders who could positively influence children growing up in that madness.  Not a man and his wife lauding a 3 Strikes Law that sent rehabilitating people to jail for life for a busted taillight, or marijuana dust in their cars. That’s exactly what the law turned into, and more.

It felt agonizing to see neighbors and friends do everything in their power to rehabilitate themselves, only to go to jail forever over some bs.

Just like with my gyno, it made me feel that if you inconvenience Clinton in any way, even if it’s a call to action to protect you, she will inconvenience your generation. It’s too much.

2. Thanks to Donald Trump and my OB/GYN, I now think that anyone who grabs pussy can’t be trusted 

By now, you’ve heard of Donald Trump’s x-rated comment about grabbing women by the “pussy.”

You’ve also by now have heard a lot of the backlash that came with it. But to me, what makes this debacle perfectly disgusting is the fact that women get their pussies gabbed by their gynos all the time, and it’s always awful.

If you think I’m lying, you know how it feels when they check your cervix? Yeah, that’s a pussy grab in my book, and it an awful experience. You don’t even get any alcohol served to you after it happens. They just stick their fingers up there with that cold ass gel, and then snatch it out.

Assholes. Just like Donald.

If you’re a dude, and you are wondering what that would feel like, imagine someone with long fingers putting one up your dick hole, then pointing up.

Still, a lot of gynos are rough with the pusssy grabbing. You can’t trust a gyno like that, and you never know how rough they are until they snatch their fingers out.

Ugh. They can’t be trusted.

3. Just like all of my OB/GYN’s, both candidates suck at conversation

I honestly don’t expect my gyno to say anything to me while I have a cold speculum in my crotch. It’s already awkward at that point. They ask you a bunch of questions without buying you dinner or a drink, and then proceeds to examine your pussy.

But because I’m me, I have gynos saying all kinds of stupid shit during exams.

Like the one who said, “Can I touch you there?” Um, sir! The whole reason why I’m here is so you can touch me “there.”

Or the one who said, “This is my first real gyno exam.” Um, sir! Keep those things to yourself!

Or the lady who said “Hmmm, let’s see if that thing is cancerous,” in the most nerdy, monotone voice ever. I almost closed my legs on her head.

Obviously those conversations  rubs me the wrong way, just like when hearing Donald and Hillary talk.

When Donald talks, I cringe, and when Hillary talks, I know it’s going to be monotoned and dangerous.

As much I hate comparing presidential candidates to a gyno exam, that’s what going to vote feels like this year. Needless to say, I’m not excited about voting at all. But it has to be done. It’s still bullshit, though.


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